i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
