I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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