you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
