Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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