I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
