Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
