I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
