remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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