I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
FUCK WHALES
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
