if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
