The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
