are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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