It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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