as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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