There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
