i already hear my dad disowning me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
