Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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