I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
