im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
