Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
