Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
