why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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