You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
