I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
