I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There's always time for handjobs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
