so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
