I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
