i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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