I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
