you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
