I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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