Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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