I could make wine with my vomit
operation harelip BJ is a go
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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