She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
