Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
