whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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