i need an iv and a liver transplant
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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