anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
