just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
