I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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