i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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