dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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