I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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