ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found a bag of teeth...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
