I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I accidentally burped into my bong.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
