You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
