I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
