Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
