dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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