I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
