He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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